“What is the sun?”

“It is [insert god] riding/flying across the sky in a flaming chariot/horse/carpet/shopping cart.”

“Why did this catastrophe happen?”

“It is the will of God.”

When Timmy was a wee lad stories were told that made him a very scared little boy.  The average temperature seemed to be dipping and we were told of the coming global ice age that was going to return us to the time of when the dinosaurs died.  We were told that because of the way we lived our modern lives, we were putting a blanket of pollution in the air that was blocking out the sun and we would eventually die – This was called global cooling.  We were afraid, very afraid.  All of we wanted to do was move somewhere south that had palm trees and would keep us and our pets warm when the ice age came.

Fast forward several decades and Timmy’s children are being told, “Because of the way we live our modern lives, we were putting a blanket of pollution in the air that was blocking out the sun keeping all of the Sun’s heat in and we would eventually die – This is called global warming.  Again, people are afraid, very afraid (not Timmy – he learned his lesson the first time) and want to make sure that the penguins and polar bears have a place to live.

Maybe we should call these phenomena “Blanketus” the god of global coverage (or would that be CNNeous?)  On that note, have a look at this $500  baby blanket.  It is good for baby’s karma…

Although Timmy doesn’t have a Ph.D. in climatolology, godology, or fancynumberology, he is forced to wonder if this isn’t simply some sort of regular cycle inherent in nature.  If only there were other examples in nature where regular periodic cycles occurred, and that at the extreme peaks and valleys of these cycles very negative behaviors were observed.  If only…

Are you Agnostic?  A good Christian?  If so, then you should not be following the cult of global warming – because you would be following a “false god”.

New BabySafe Ball Makes Shaking Your Infant Guilt And Injury Free

That is what you would expect.  Now when your bank robber is 13, I guess you have to give a little for lack of experience.   Fortunately due to his lack of experience this juvenile was caught 30 minutes later hiding in a garage trying to get off all of the red ink.

Hopefully, the courts will realise that this is the work of an adult and try him accordingly.  Of course the bleeding-heart left wing will say that it wasn’t his fault because his mother was a crack addict and his father abused cats.  They will then try to sue the bank for emotional trauma caused to the boy by the exploding red pack.  Seeking millions of dollars in compensation, the boy will never have to steal again.  Until he spends all of money on Pokemon and crack cocaine.

I know, my views are refreshing.  If you wanted a balanced opinion you would be reading Reuters.

Timmy out.

Along with tough economic times comes the reality faced by many employers – down-sizing.  (Ed note:  I hate the term “right-sizing” as it implies that the organization was wrongly-sized.  If it was wrongly-sized in the first place then fire management, they obviously don’t know what to do).  Fortunately or unfortunately, we generally know about workforce reductions prior to their occurrence, although we do not know exactly who will fall victim to HR’s (Human Remains) axe.

So what do we do when we are faced with the possibility – try to protect our jobs.  One common way of doing this is to ingratiate ourselves to our bosses, also known as brown-nosing.  In case you are wondering, the term brown-nosing comes from the image of an obsequious person whose nose becomes soiled in kissing the rump of someone from whom favour is sought.

So why is this stupid?  Because it is bad for business.  Period.  A [University of Texas] study found that brown-nosing can influence a company to its highest levels, including the awarding of positions on various corporate boards.

Lose at golf to get a promotion?  OK.  Be a “yes-man” at work for advancement?  Good for you but bad for the company.  People will do it, but companies must break this type of behaviour.  Last thing you need is a member of management having stupid ideas supported solely for the reason of job protection.

Remember, the stupid idea you support may ultimately cost you your job as the company folds because you supported the idea that investing in the recycled toilet paper company.

Timmy out.

In Addition to the One Labeled “Important Fire Safety Instructions”

Manager: What time is my meeting with you?
Employee: I don’t know. I got your e-mail, but didn’t know you were talking about, so I deleted it.

Broadway & Walker
New York City
Overheard by: office peon hates meetings

It Is Now

Office mate #1: My brother’s girlfriend brought dinner over last night.
Office mate #2: Is it weird–since you guys are twins– that your brother’s girlfriend knows exactly what you look like naked?

Santa Monica, California

Like George Michael, the Company Wants All Your Secs

VP: Hey, can you pop in here to chat yet?
Accounting asst: Give me just a sec…
VP: How about now? It’s urgent, and I’ve been giving you secs all morning.
Passing by office manager: So much for last week’s sexual harassment training…

Washington, DC
Overheard by: I could use some…

And Should I Be Sitting in Front Of a Computer for This?

Tech support rep: Okay, so go ahead and type in the url in the address bar.
Customer: Okay, uh, um, should I be on the internet?
Tech support rep: Yes.
Customer: Okay. Um. Okay. So uh, should I google “internet”?

Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: loves three way calling and the mute button

The “Enter” Key’s Somewhere Near the Middle Of Your Keyboard, Sir

Tech on phone: Please click start, type “cmd” and press enter. (pause) It should have brought up a command prompt. (pause) Nothing yet? Hmmm. Let me remote in. (starts laughing uncontrollably) Sir, you have to type “cmd” and press the enter key. Typing “cmdandpressenter” will not work. Sorry I wasn’t more clear.

Dodge St., Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: northern lad

The downturn has caused some industries to look to new marketing channels that they had not necessarily considered previously.

One of the newly touched industries is the German sex trade.  According to Reuters, “In one of the few countries where prostitution is legal, and unusually transparent, the industry has responded with an economic stimulus package of its own: modern marketing tools, rebates and gimmicks to boost falling demand.

Some brothels have cut prices or added free promotions while others have introduced all-inclusive flat-rate fees. Free shuttle buses, discounts for seniors and taxi drivers, as well as “day passes” are among marketing strategies designed to keep business going.”

Berlin’s “Pussy Club” has attracted media attention with its headline-grabbing “flat rate” — a 70-euro admission charge for unlimited food, drink and sex between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m.

And I thought all you can eat sushi was good…

At the same time, we know that the higher the potential return the more people are willing to risk.  As the aversion to risk goes down, the number of scams surfacing goes up.  This is called the Risk Aversion TheorieS – Ascension of Scams, or RATS ASS.

The problem with RATS ASS is that is works.  Ever wonder why you keep on getting email from the Director of Operations of Hang Seng bank, wanting to do business in your country but needing help getting 5,000,000 United States of America dollars into your country?  Why the widow of some benevolent African (normally Nigerian) aristocrat has turned to you for help in getting money into a Swiss bank account?  Because people answer.  They send their vital information, ending up with bank accounts cleared out of what little savings they had; you have a proliferation of the RATS ASS principle.

But that is email and internet; you won’t find RATS ASS as prevalent in real life will you?  Until you find out that Saudi police are looking for the people that started the rumour that old sewing machines contain [en: red mercury].    According to the Saudi Gazette some buyers were willing to pay up to 50k$ for an old Singer sewing machine proven to contain [en: red mercury].

Here is the best part … the proof for the existence of [en: red mercury].  Cell phones are employed as instruments to prove the existence of the phoney substance.  When you bring the cell phone’s antenna near the needle of the sewing machine the signal supposedly cuts out, proving the existence of the red mercury.

And for what would you use red mercury?  Well, depending on the legend you wish to follow – either for converting base metals into gold, or for creating thermonuclear devices.

What freaks me out is that someone with the ability to generate 50k$ in liquidity was dumb enough to fall for the scam…

Timmy out.

You Say That Every Day.

Assistant: Did you know that dogs get breast cancer?
Supervisor: What?
Assistant: I used to work at a vet office, and they would bring in dogs with breast cancer!
Supervisor, after googling it: Yeah, I guess they do!
Assistant: Oh, really?! I made that up!
Supervisor: I’m done with you.

New York City, New York
Overheard by: Digitdy

Be Sure to Fill Out a Freudian Slip First

Boss: What are you going to do on your lunch break?
Assistant: I think I might go outside and spread my legs.
Boss: Pardon?
Assistant: I said I think I might go outside and stretch my legs. (walks off very quickly)

North Ryde Australia
Overheard by: Sinead

Like the Difference Between Methodists and Baptists

IT minion, about boss: He started talking to me about Star Trek. I don’t know why he thought I’d want to talk about that. I was wearing my Star Wars shirt. I mean, different universe!

Boston, Massachusetts

My Way Of Telling You to Get a Cell Phone

Receptionist, answering phone: Good afternoon, how can I help you? (pause) I’m sorry, she no longer works at this office. (hangs up phone)
Receptionist to executive secretary: It was for you.

New York City, New York

Have Her Fax Us a Whole Box, Okay?

Boss to secretary: We’re out of paper? Hold on, I’ll call Julie and have her fax me a sheet and we can photo copy it.

Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: can’t say … I’m laughing to hard

This is literally a ‘church signs’ debate, being played out in a Southern US town, between Our Lady of Martyrs Catholic Church, and Cumberland Presbyterian, a fundamentalist church.  From top to bottom shows you the response and counter-response over time.

The Catholics are displaying a much better sense of humor!  You get the impression that the Presbyterians are actually taking this seriously and are getting a bit upset…